Everyone Needs a Psychic Pal

Celia Cruz, Walter Mercado, and now Philip Michael Thomas. The for-profit prophet trade is really booming in this town. What will they think of next?

NT: Any love for me on the horizon?
PSYCHIC: Of course. You just haven't found the right person. That's why you went through all that hurt and all that disappointment. But the right person is coming for you.

NT: Say, you sound kind of cute.
PSYCHIC: Thank you [giggling].
NT: Where do you live?
PSYCHIC: I live in Texas. I'm right near Fort Worth, Texas.
NT: Can I come by sometime?

PSYCHIC: Sure. But I'm not allowed to give you my phone number, my address, or anything else.

NT: You know, my cat died a few days ago. His name was Tommy.
PSYCHIC: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I had one, too. She got run over.
NT: That's exactly how mine died. He got hit by a train. I think mine committed suicide.

PSYCHIC: How could he have committed suicide?
NT: I don't think he was very happy. Is there any way we can psychically contact the spirit of my dead cat Tommy?

PSYCHIC: You need a clairvoyant for that. I'm not that type of a reader.
NT: What about Philip Michael Thomas, is he clairvoyant?
PSYCHIC: I don't really know. It's possible. Now, getting back to your love life: There is a special person coming. Someone who will make your life very happy. Someone you will be comfortable with. And I also see a lot of success coming your way financially. I see you getting involved in some business dealings with other people that are going to be very, very good for you.

NT: Are they crooked? Anything illegal?
PSYCHIC: No, it's not illegal. But you know, nothing is perfect these days.
NT: I'm not going to have to kill anyone, am I?
PSYCHIC: Oh! Of course not. You wouldn't do that, anyway.
NT: I mean, I'd be willing to break some knees, but killing would be out.

PSYCHIC: Breaking some knees would be fine -- they'll heal. But you shouldn't go around doing that, either.

NT: Unless the money was right.
PSYCHIC: No, you won't do that. Why break somebody's knees? Then they can't get up and go to the bathroom.

NT: Well, at that point it wouldn't really be my concern, now would it?
PSYCHIC: What kind of work are you doing right now?
NT: I'm a fireman.
PSYCHIC: You like to live dangerously.
NT: Yep.
PSYCHIC: Have you saved any lives?

NT: No. Not really. Just the opposite. I bungled a couple of things. But I really don't want to talk about that.

PSYCHIC: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. Like with anything, the more you do it, the more you learn.

NT: You would hope so, but sometimes people are just really bad at what they do. That's why this whole career thing is interesting to me.

PSYCHIC: I do see a change. Because for the past few years I see that you've gotten into things that you really didn't want to do. You just haven't found the thing that you enjoy doing. Don't worry, nobody's perfect.

NT: Philip Michael Thomas is.
PSYCHIC: Why is he so perfect?
NT: He was on Miami Vice.
PSYCHIC: So? So was Don Johnson.
NT: And where are they now?
PSYCHIC: I don't know. They are out living their lives.

NT: What kind of a percentage do you think Philip Michael Thomas is getting off the phone lines?

PSYCHIC: I don't know.
NT: Psychically, what would you guess his percentage is?
PSYCHIC: I couldn't tell you. It could be a lot.
NT: I bet he's making a bundle off this.

PSYCHIC: I'll tell you what, I've had my phone on since before 9:00 a.m. this morning and I haven't had time to put on clothes.

NT: So you're naked right now?
PSYCHIC: No. I mean --
NT: So what exactly are you wearing?

PSYCHIC: A pair of black pants and a white shirt. I finally took the time to put them on because I was in my pajamas till noon. That's what I meant.

NT: You know, you didn't have to put anything on for me.
PSYCHIC: No, I was just trying to make the point about how many phone calls are coming in.

NT: I mean, I'm not wearing anything either.
PSYCHIC: That sounds interesting.
NT: Have you ever been to Philip Michael Thomas's house? I hear it's lovely.
PSYCHIC: No. I have not. Do you have some sort of an obsession with him?

NT: It's not really an obsession. But there might be a restraining order in the works. Did you get to shake his hand?

PSYCHIC: Yes.
NT: Could you feel the psychic energy?
PSYCHIC: Yes. Somewhat.
NT: Wow.
Total cost: $39.90

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