By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By David Villano
By Jose D. Duran
By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Luther Campbell
Home sweet home, immersed in a dangerous fallow period, nurturing our pet obsessions -- sex, fame, making a living -- and taking a breather from the tabernacle of degradation, these loathsome adventures in the societal trenches, this ring of fire and fury signifying nothing. It's all one big celebrity circle jerk, the money and shamelessness really gushing forth for PrimeTime Live's Diane Sawyer, debasing her profession before the beastly pairing of Michael Jackson and beard-wife/white-trash queen Lisa Marie Presley. Sinister stuff, despite the couple dismissing those charges of anti-Semitism, religious fanaticism, and ten-million-dollar payoffs for child molestation as nothing but tragic misunderstandings: In an ideal world, Elvis would come back and give them both a good whupping. And if Sawyer still considers herself a "serious journalist," we're definitely overdue for a raise. Howard Stern sidekick-in-filth Robin Quivers, a pioneer of lucrative dancing with the Devil, making a depressingly well-attended appearance at Borders Book Shop to hype her memoirs, Quivers: -- Life. The book, not that it really matters, breathtakingly vapid, a self-obsessed recounting of her tragedies, triumphs, romantic liaisons, and figure fluctuations. With all due disrespect, we're not talking Mahalia Jackson here.
In other breaking fluff from the unilateral conquest of trash culture, Melanie Griffith turning up on the Horatio Alger Awards as a cohost, presenting various plaudits to the bizarre. As it happens, Griffith a uniquely qualified success story, having bounced back big-time from a rough period over the loves me-loves-me-not Don Johnson: At one point, Griffith actually sympathizing with Forrest Gump's painful passion for an abusive woman. Now, through an act of divine voodoo, everyone's favorite working girl snatching Antonio Banderas from Daryl Hannah, who seemed to be closing in on him during the Two Much production. Former sex symbol Burt Reynolds hosting an auction this Saturday at his ranch in Jupiter, a surreal accumulation of artifacts -- from a Mercedes go-cart to signed Evening Shade scripts and a collection of Little Rascals tapes -- a step-right-up sale in the ashes of fame. The formerly anonymous Jim Carrey -- who we couldn't even be bothered to watch, let alone interview, during the production of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective on Espanola Way -- now very big, very newsworthy, and terminally inaccessible. Who knew? Art, romance, journalism, it's all the same shit, a dodgy business at heart.
The endgame of the weekend, ritualized recreation being an absurd notion when fun's your business: Armageddon, if nothing else, would break up the boredom of the day. Yet again missing an assortment of worthy public events -- Kostas & Tommy's Greek barbecue at the Fairmont Hotel, Mary Luft's sleepover benefit for Tigertail Productions at the Miami River Inn, Migel Delgado's "Sex 2000" show -- and staying suckled up to the bosom of the rich. Coral Gables for a beautiful house party, flowing with wine and good cheer, one woman beaming back to the Josephine Baker era: "Oh look, my husband is dancing with a Negress -- don't they look divine?" -- connected type reminiscing about Mary McFadden's old-meets-new-money dinner for Ivana Trump, dance instructors attending to regal crones. The first Mrs. Trump, who recently gave the prenup brushoff to companion Riccardo Mazzucchelli, commenting that "writing books is a lot easier than working for the Donald." Some Beach publicist -- is there one scrap of nonhype-tainted earth left? -- lobbing a celebrity sex sound bite about another girl-made-good, the naughty, bosoms-rule Anna Nicole Smith: "We were in Vegas together, right after everything hit about her mauling that baby sitter, hanging out with Tanya Tucker. Anna was coming on strong, grabbing these two guys and then hitting on Tanya, who tells her, 'You know, Anna, I have a reputation as a solid heterosexual.' Anna's all fucked up -- and not too bright anyway -- and starts to get even hornier, backing her into a corner: 'Tanya, that's great -- you go both ways, too.'"
It never ends, this itch of ambition and desire, the spring/summer rutting season unfolding, as Adelaide so aptly lamented in Guys and Dolls, like "a horrible dream." What with one petty circumstance or another, frantically stuck in town and reduced to summoning forth a kind of astral-projection holiday, a reverie of darkness from our last trip to New York City: Sex everywhere and, in our case, nowhere at once. Easing into the stygian depths of Kink City with real live cultivated people, the great salvation in the metropolis of the ugly. SoHo's enoki mushroom crowd, German filmmaker Winfried Bonegec -- of the new documentary Profession: Neo-Nazi -- talking of the vogue for Fourth Reich decadence among good burghers. On to the Elaine's arena, drinks with Lawrence Norfolk of Lempriere's Dictionary, other assorted beyond-serious novelists, and Barney Rosset, the legendary founder of Grove Press. -- survivor of a bazooka assault on his office by right-wing extremists upset over his publishing Che Guevara -- now the namesake of a British beer -- Rosset also coming under fire for Naked Lunch and Lady Chatterley's Lover. Heady company, and yet lots of easy Gutter Lite conversation, gonads putting everyone, geniuses and reporters alike, on the level ground of coarse commonality.