The Future of Rock and Roll

We've seen it in a crystal ball and the pictures aren't pretty

Kasmir Kujawa (43) and Ferny Coipel (46)
The former Goods drummer and the I Don't Know front man left their respective bands at the height of the groups' popularity in 1999 -- on the eve of a joint world tour -- to pursue their common lifelong dream of opening a national chain of This Old Man day-care centers. The two are now serving multiple life sentences on a variety of child molestation charges in a federal correctional facility in Des Moines, Iowa.

Quote: "Got a cigarette?"
Nil Lara (51)
Though celebrated for his hypnotic blend of Latin rhythms and American rock and roll, Lara's musical accomplishments were overshadowed in 1998 when he won a Nobel Peace Prize for brokering an end to the hostilities between Arthur Barron, the owner of Rose's Bar, Lounge & Supermodel Emporium on Miami Beach, and Peter Honerkamp, who had owned the Stephen Talkhouse in the same city until 1995.

Quote: "Basically, we all agreed that the issue of wearing sunglasses in dark clubs was not worth the risk of a nuclear war."

Liz Phair (48)
Phair continues to be the world's most wonderful, talented, and gorgeous woman, and resides in Miami with husband Jim Murphy, who she met on a whim following the publication of an article by Murphy speculating on the future of selected rock stars. The happy couple is frequently spotted at Churchill's Hideaway, sharing a bowl of Shepherd's Pie and engaging in good-natured verbal sparring with the house band, the Holy Terrors.

Quote: "I'm certainly glad I called Jim Murphy on a whim following the publication of his article about the future of selected rock stars."

Henry Rollins (54)
Beginning with his hard-core band Black Flag in the early 1980s and continuing with his "spoken word" work through the end of the century, Rollins steadily built a reputation as rock's "kooky intellectual" and amassed a huge following of fans. But in 2005 Rollins's career took a dive when, asked to recite a poem for the inaugural ceremonies of Pres. John J. Kennedy, Jr., Rollins pulled out an early work titled "No Deposit, No Return." Amazed at the sheer vapidity of the piece, critics re-examined the Rollins oeuvre and declared the artist "intellectually bankrupt." Rollins soon abandoned rock and roll and went to work for Kenner Products, where he helped develop the best-selling interactive computer program for children, My First Poem.

Quote: "There once was a rock star from Nantucket..."
Adam Sandler (48)
In the mid-1990s, Sandler was pegged the "next Gallagher" by some, the "next Weird Al Yankovic" by others. But the supremely unfunny comedian's career faltered by the turn of the century as audiences realized they were just hearing the same joke, recycled over and over and over, delivered in the guise of the same grating, tinny-voiced character.

Quote (in tinny voice): "'Table' rhymes with 'Grable.' Dontcha get it? Pleeeeeease say you get it?"

Eddie Vedder (51)
Once considered rock's best hope, Vedder experienced a string of setbacks at the turn of the century. In 2004, after several years of bitter litigation with his estranged ex-bandmates, the last original member of Pearl Jam was denied the right to use his former group's name. In 2005 Vedder launched the Joy of Angst Tour, but audiences stayed away in droves. Undeterred, in 2007 Vedder persuaded his wheelchair-bound hero, Neil Young, to join the band for a world tour. Tragedy struck at the first show when an exuberant Vedder slapped Young on the back in the middle of an extended guitar solo during "Cortez the Killer," causing Young to slowly roll off the stage and into the audience. Vedder immediately retreated into seclusion and has not been heard from since.

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