Still Waiting

It's all a matter of famousness, really. Get yourself to a certain level where enough people think that enough other people think you must be talented if you're on MTV and recording for a major label, and your fame is no longer simply multiplied. It's squared, over and over, until even vicious rumors, cruel parodies, and substandard work serve only to nudge sales up another quarter-million units or so.

As I read Rolling Stone's cover story about Liv Tyler (Steven's daughter), I realized that my mistake was concentrating on the act first, rather than on the much more important fan base that can bring true stardom. So let's cut to the chase: I want to be an obscenely famous celebrity. If you're like most people, you'd like to be on a first-name basis with an obscenely famous celebrity. I believe we could work something out.

You want accessibility? I'll be accessible. No, I'll be ultra-accessible to the nth degree. I'll be so damn accessible you'll be reduced to feigning yawns, casting exaggerated glances at your watch, and making up some lame excuse about having to get up early the next day for work just to get me out of your house at two o' clock in the morning.

After my shows at the Miami Arena, I'll run and get your car. For free. I'll come by your house while you're entertaining old college pals from Ohio and drop obscure industry references as we munch from the deli platter.

I'll be sure the record company's advance press kit included a detailed piece about our personal friendship and how it made me the artist I am. I'll name my album after you. I'll drag you along for my interviews with MTV's Kurt Loder. I'll hook you up for a night on South Beach with Tara Solomon.

Wait! Come back! I was only joshin' ya with that last promise. But I think I made my point.

If you're a savvy record-company executive reading this, you'll no doubt recognize that I've laid the groundwork for a considerable fan base that is just waiting to consume my product. I'll sit here and wait for your call.

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