Ready, Set, Blow!

Tips from New Times special consultant Vito Escobar:
1) Preparing your boat:
Sink it early to get the best spot.
2) Preparing you car:
Make sure your comprehensive is paid up, then park west of a very tall tree.
3) Preparing your house:

Spend a few minutes at Publix gathering up other people's food receipts. Buy lots of expensive stereo equipment from Burdines, photograph it, and make a copy of the receipt before returning it. Borrow furniture from your wealthiest friend or relative and videotape it in your house. Open all doors and windows. Unscrew and disconnect as many tie beams and trusses as possible. Hose down furniture you want replaced, but don't forget: Insurance adjusters can tell the difference between fresh water and salt water. If you're claiming flood damage from the storm surge, be careful to use buckets of sea water. Keep a crowbar on hand to finish any job the winds leave undone.

4) Preparing your pet: Make your dog really earn its keep! Convert the treadmill you never use into a generator and let Rover work off some of those table scraps. Krazy Glue small housepets to the floor. Cats, of course, go in the microwave.

W A Special Note to Mobile-Home Dwellers: Goodbye!
Red Cross Shelter Checklist:
Cigarettes. For smoking and bartering.

Low-caliber automatic weapons. Bayonet, plenty of ammo -- we recommend hollow points to maximize stopping power; Teflon jackets shouldn't be necessary for the close-in combat characteristic of communal living facilities.

Ear and nose plugs
Toilet paper
Chemical ice. Someone might bring beer!

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