The Surfies

Cheese Factor:
Head Cheese
Quote-O-Matic: "I wouldn't blow in someone's vagina. I think that could be a bit dangerous."

Network Equivalent: Manulkin is a dead ringer for Sally Jessy Raphael, minus the makeup.

Fun Fact: Anilingus is when you lick someone's behind.
Educational Value: You can go from vagina to anus, but you cannot go from anus to vagina.

Airs: Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. (in greater Fort Lauderdale)
Sports Program
And the Surfie goes to...Channel 49's Game of the Week

Thanks to the generous taxpayers of Coral Gables, diehard fans of Gables Senior High's illustrious sports program no longer risk painful tush splinters incurred via rooting for the Cavaliers from the bleachers. Nor do they run the risk of being gouged by scalpers who know the market value of a ticket to a Lady Cavaliers (Cavalierettes?) home soccer game. Instead they can tune into the City Beautiful's own special cable station, Channel 49, for the Game of the Week. Student commentators and cameramen ensure that the quality of the broadcast matches the players' athletic prowess.

Production Notes: The guys working the cameras don't always catch all the action on the field, despite the fact that they have the advantage of shooting from the roof of the dugout when they broadcast baseball games.

Network Equivalent: World Cup USA '94
Fun Fact: The City of Coral Gables has spent scads of taxpayer dollars trying to prevent New Times from placing newspaper racks on its sidewalks.

Parting Gifts: While in the Gables, we got a parking ticket.
Airs: Sundays at 8:30 p.m. during the school year (and occasionally broadcast countywide on Cable-TAP's Channel 36)

Talk Show
And the Surfie goes to...
The Danny Jessup Show

Public access teevee doesn't get any more public than Miami Springs TV. All you have to do to land your own show in this quiet hamlet just north of Miami International Airport is to convince

Andy Clark, the ham radio fanatic who runs the station (mostly out of his own home), that you deserve a shot at the big time. Jessup, a starstruck handyman who earned his stripes as a debonair microwave chef for the immortal Springs offering Cooking for the Babes, struck out on his own recently. His Letterman-like show, filmed in the Springs studio -- the back room of a realtor's office -- has all the elements of a classic. The monologue: "As they say in the business, folks,'Welcome to the show.'" The band: Orson "Big Key" Whitfield, who sings Elton John covers. The celebrity guests: Anita, a school crossing guard, and Ruthie, a professional theater usher. The patter: "As a ticket-taker, lemme tell you, it's so important that you're polite and direct people to the right seats."

Cheese Factor:
Velveeta
Production Notes: Danny used to employ milk crates for a desk. He now has an unfinished chunk of wood.

Quote-O-Matic: "What was I just thinking? It's that memory thing that's going around." Vintage Jessup.

Network Equivalent:
Alan Thicke
Fun Fact: Ruthie the ticket-taker is Geraldo Rivera's cousin.
Parting Gifts: Andy Clark bought us lunch.
Airs: 10:00 p.m. Saturday on Channel 36
Cooking Program
And the Surfie goes to...
Mangia bene con Pietro

He marinates. He sautees. He shoots tax collectors dead. And until recently Pietro Venezia had his own cooking show, Mangia bene con Pietro. Chef-owner of Coconut Grove's swank Buccione Restaurant, Venezia would scurry around the Buccione kitchen, magically assembling foods from his native Italy (he tended to be a bit vague about how, precisely, the specialties were prepared) and wooing his audience in a sometimes understandable patois of Italian, Spanish, and English. Sadly, the recent arrest of Venezia in Italy for the murder of Miami tax collector Don Bonham on Christmas Eve 1993 has led local outlets to cancel the program. He is not allowed to have knives in jail.

Cheese Factor:
Parmesan
Production Notes: Venezia used to infuriate the film crew by preparing sumptuous Italian dishes, then neglecting to feed them.

Quote-O-Matic: "Ese tipo de pollo es buonissimo con garlic."
Fun Fact: Venezia's vittles were so bene they nearly landed Judge Alfonso Sepe in the hoosegow. Defense lawyer Gerald Massey used to buy Sepe lunch at Buccione. The judge assigned cases to Massey. A grand jury indicted Sepe for bribery, but he was acquitted at trial.

Educational Value: There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Community Service Show
And the Surfie goes to...
Open to the Public

The world of Steve "Bubba" Cohen is a world of harmony, a world in which every new experience is an epiphany, every stranger is a friend, and every friend is greeted with a big, fat smile. Cohen has used Open as a forum to explore the lesser wonders of Miami Beach. Ever wonder about that kosher deli down the street? Or that mental-health facility? Or that water taxi? You haven't? Well, Cohen has. And he's happy to interview the man in charge for a long time. His cameraman is happy to capture every interminable minute of this at close enough range to ensure that the subject's head is frequently cut off.

Cheese Factor:
Toe cheese
Production Notes: The ironman of local teevee, Cohen has filmed segments while wearing a back brace and a leg cast.