By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
DAVE: Where has this guy been? They've already put a down payment on Hillary.
KENNY: Alright wisenheimer, whaddaya got?
DAVE: Looks like three jacks.
KENNY: Hah! A flush.
KENNY LAYS DOWN HIS CARDS AND MOVES TO PULL THE CHIPS TOWARD HIM. DAVE GENTLY BLOCKS HIS HAND.
DAVE: Hold on there. Let me just check something.
DAVE SHUFFLES HIS CARDS.
DAVE (CONT'D): I could have sworn...oh yes, here we are. My mistake. Four jacks.
DAVE LAYS THEM DOWN.
KENNY: I hate it when you do that.
DAVE: And I hate to call it a night, suckers, but I'm gonna need to pack it in. I've got a soccer game tomorrow morning.
THEY BEGIN CLEARING THE TABLE.
RICARDO: Yeah, Miguel told me he had a great time at practice yesterday.
DAVE: More than I can say for my own kid. He stormed outta here like a congressman who just bounced a check. I don't know why he's so testy.
RICARDO: Well, Miguel did mention something Tommy told him, if you really want to know.
DAVE: (MOCK PLEADING) Please. I'd prefer to find out now, before the kid grows truly embittered and files for divorce.
RICARDO: Well, Tommy said he wished you could be like other dads sometimes, instead of clowning around. Kids take soccer pretty seriously.
DAVE: Yeah, so do thousands of European soccer fans who get crushed to death every year.
RICARDO: Listen, Dave, maybe he wants you to take him seriously.
DAVE: (ANNOYED) That's so typical of a plastic surgeon. Always trying to make everything so perfect. By the way, when am I going to get to see those videos of your last implant?
INT. BARRY BEDROOM - NIGHT
DAVE AND BETH ARE ASLEEP IN BED. CAMERA DOLLIES CLOSER TO DAVE.
DISSOLVE TO DREAM SEQUENCE:
INSERT FOOTAGE OF PELE IN HIS HEYDAY WITH THE BRAZILIAN NATIONAL TEAM. THE CROWD IS HYSTERICAL. PELE DRIVES THE BALL TOWARD THE GOAL FROM 20 YARDS. CUT TO FOOTAGE OF DAVE, DRESSED IN A CLOWN SUIT, GUARDING THE GOAL. HE DIVES FOR THE BALL BUT IT FLIES PAST HIM FOR A SCORE. INSERT MORE FOOTAGE OF THE CELEBRATING BRAZILIANS. CAMERA FINDS A FAN WAVING A SIGN THAT READS: "HOW'S DAVE SUPPOSED TO PLAY GOAL WHEN HE CAN'T EVEN TAKE HIS OWN SON SERIOUSLY?" CUT TO DAVE DEJECTEDLY PICKING HIMSELF UP OFF GROUND. PELE APPEARS AT HIS SIDE AND HELPS HIM GET UP.
PELE: Don't worry, Dave. It's just a dream sequence.
INT. BARRY BEDROOM - NIGHT
DAVE BOLTS UPRIGHT IN BED. HE IS WEARING A DR. SEUSS NIGHTCAP.
DAVE: My God! I just had the most revealing dream sequence! Beth! Beth! I dreamed Pele showed me the path to enlightened child rearing.
Beth: (GROGGILY) Have you been drinking warm beer again?
INT. DAVE'S STUDY - EARLY NEXT MORNING
DAVE READS INTENTLY FROM A BOOK TITLED SOCCER STRATEGY FOR KIDS: HOW TO ESCAPE HARM. HE THEN BEGINS TO SKETCH OUT PLAYS ON A PAD OF PAPER.
SFX: THEME FROM "ROCKY"
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - LATER THAT MORNING
DAVE LEADS HIS TROOPS THROUGH PRE-GAME DRILLS. CAMERA GOES WITH HIM ALONG SIDELINES DURING GAME. HE HOLDS A CLIPBOARD, WEARS A HEADSET, GESTURES EMPHATICALLY, APPEARS AUTHORITATIVE. CAMERA FINDS SCOREBOARD THAT READS: SHARKS: 3, JETS: 3. INSERT EXCERPTS OF RUMBLE SEQUENCES FROM THE FILM VERSION OF WESTSIDE STORY. CUT TO TOMMY GUARDING GOAL. HE DIVES AND MISSES THE WINNING GOAL.
INT. BARRY KITCHEN - AFTER THE GAME
THE FAMILY RETURNS. TOMMY AND DAVE SLUMP DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.
BETH: Well, I'm sure you guys want to be alone. I'll head upstairs with Willie and pursue a subplot while you two have a heart-to-heart.
DAVE: Thanks. I think.
DAVE PAUSES. CHECKS HIS POCKETS FRANTICALLY.
DAVE: Where the hell did I put those Lifesavers?
HE GIVES UP LOOKING AND OFFERS TOMMY A LEFTOVER PRETZEL. TOMMY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
DAVE: I know you're pretty disappointed, killer. But we played our best.
TOMMY: (SOFTLY) Oh I know. Hey, that's the best we've played all year. How'd you learn so much about soccer, anyway?
DAVE: Pele and I are brothers. This is something your mother doesn't know, so keep it under your hat.
TOMMY: Seriously. I mean, you're definitely not like other dads who coach. You'll go out in public in your underwear. You take notes of my friends' conversations. And I'm not even sure when you actually work, except that our family problems end up being printed in your column and a zillion people read about 'em. But today you really whipped us into shape. I'm proud of you, pop.
DAVE: Does this mean you're dropping the divorce suit?
THE TWO HUG EACH OTHER.
DAVE (CONT'D): Hey, is something else bothering you?
TOMMY: It's no big deal.
DAVE: C'mon. You never know, your old man might be able to help.
TOMMY: (HESITANTLY) Well ... I think that Westside Story bit in the game montage really bombed.
EXT. BARRY HOME - NIGHT
ONLY ONE LIGHT REMAINS ON. CAMERA DOLLIES SLOWLY TOWARD WINDOW.
DAVE (VO): I myself never played sports as a kid A unless you count that brief fling with synchronized swimming. But these days it's clear that sports are a much bigger deal. And I'll admit it: sports do help fathers and sons bond. Even I get choked up thinking about all those dads who get so involved with Little League they'll stick pins in a voodoo doll of the coach. With that kind of inspiration, what kid hasn't dreamed of being the next Willie Mays? Or Pele?