By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
SFX: BILLY JOEL'S "YOU MAY BE RIGHT"
CARTOON SEQUENCE (STOCK)
OF DAVE BARRY CHARACTER WALKING ON SIDEWALK, AVOIDING CRACKS.
FADE IN TITLE:
"WELCOME TO DAVE'S WORLD"
PULL BACK AND WIDEN TO:
EXT. BARRY HOME (STOCK) - DAY
THE MEDITERRANEAN STYLE HOME SITS ON A PALM-LINED SUBURBAN STREET. A PROSPEROUS, COMFORTABLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
CAMERA DOLLIES IN FROM STREET, ACROSS LAWN, TOWARD FRONT DOOR.
INT. DAVE'S STUDY - DAY
DAVE FURIOUSLY TAPS AWAY AT HIS COMPUTER KEYBOARD IN A BURST OF CREATIVE ENERGY.
CAMERA DOLLIES CLOSER TO REVEAL HE IS PLAYING A NINTENDO GAME CALLED "DEATH PLANET." AS PLANET EXPLODES DAVE TURNS TO CAMERA AND GIVES A THUMBS UP.
STARRING HARRY ANDERSON
HIS DOG ZIPPY RUNS INTO ROOM WITH A HIGH HEEL SHOE IN HIS MOUTH. DAVE TAKES THE SHOE AND BEGINS TO THROW IT FOR A GAME OF FETCH WHEN WIFE BETH ENTERS ROOM WEARING ONE HIGH HEEL SHOE. SHE GIVES DAVE A FIERCE LOOK AND SNATCHES THE SHOE FROM HIM.
INT. BARRY KITCHEN - DAY
DAVE AND HIS TWO CHILDREN, TOMMY AND WILLIE, ARE CONDUCTING AN EXPERIMENT. DAVE WEARS A WHITE LAB COAT, OVEN MITTS, GOGGLES, AND HOLDS A MEAT THERMOMETER. SMOKE BEGINS TO BILLOW FROM TOASTER AS TWO BURNED POP TARTS SPRING UP. DAVE FISHES THEM OUT AND DROPS THEM ON A PLATE. TOMMY DISSECTS ONE WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE.
WILLIE TAKES A SMALL BITE OF POP TART AND MAKES A SOUR FACE.
WILLIE THROWS POP TART INTO THE AIR.
CUT TO POV DOG ZIPPY FROM FLOOR:
ZIPPY CATCHES AND DEVOURS BURNED POP TART.
BASED ON THE WRITINGS OF DAVE BARRY
INT. BARRY BEDROOM - NIGHT
THE BARRYS PREPARE FOR BED. CAMERA FINDS DAVE SITTING IN BED READING A MAGAZINE AND PICKING AT HIS TOENAILS. BETH IS IN THE BATHROOM (OS).
DAVE (VO): Marriage is a funny thing. At least that's what they tell people who are still single. Anyone who's walked down the aisle knows that marriage is one of the most sacred institutions in man's kingdom, a covenant that binds two people together for the rest of their lives in the pursuit of effective tax shelters. Ha-ha! Just a little nuptial humor.
I myself have been married twice. My first wife tells me I was too immature to settle down. But c'mon, it's not like I forced her mother to sit on the whoopee cushion. Beth has been much more understanding. And kids do help tosettle you down. Nothing like five years of potty training to bring out the poise in a man.
I often wonder where I'd be without my family. And then I usually realize I'd be on an island in the Bahamas, a large umbrella drink in each hand, dancing the lambada with a woman whose name escapes me. So as you can see, there are many advantages to marriage, not least of which is the prevention of hangovers and social diseases. The kids, of course, make great tax shelters.
THE CAMERA DOLLIES CLOSER TO DAVE IN BED. HE CONTINUES PICKING AT HIS TOENAILS.
DAVE: Hey hon, I was just reading this marriage quiz. How would you answer this? The key to a successful marriage is: a) Knowing when to forgive, b) Listening to your spouse, c) Good cable.
BETH: (VO SHOUTING) Is there an answer that reads: Getting your husband to stop picking his toenails?
DAVE: (SITS UP ABRUPTLY) Very funny. Alright, how about this one: The best response when your spouse is in the mood and you're not is: a) Well I'll be damned, dear A it's time for Dave Letterman, b) Not tonight honey, I've got a colostomy, or c) Hey babe, count me out. But I do have something you're gonna like. Heh heh. It's battery-operated and top of the line...
TOMMY APPEARS AT THE BEDROOM DOOR UNNOTICED. BETH ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SEES HIM. SHE NODS FRANTICALLY TO DAVE, WHO IS UNBUTTONING HIS SHIRT AND GROWLING SEDUCTIVELY. HE RESPONDS TO HER NODDING BY GROWLING MORE PASSIONATELY. FINALLY DAVE TURNS, SEES TOMMY, AND ALMOST FALLS OUT OF BED.
TOMMY: What's battery operated and top of the line?
DAVE: Uh, er, your Christmas present.
TOMMY: But it's only September.
DAVE: Never too early to beat the crowds. Last year I got slammed in the ribs by a psychotic grandmother...
TOMMY: Yeah, Dad. I read that column.
BETH: Why are you still up, Tommy?
DAVE: Don't you have a soccer game tomorrow?
TOMMY: No. It's Saturday. That's why I'm still up.
DAVE: How's the old team-a-rooni doing?
TOMMY: We suck-a-rooni.
DAVE: Oh c'mon. You can't be that bad.
TOMMY: We're 0 and 16 and haven't scored a goal in nine games.
DAVE: (WHISTLES) Wow, that's suck-a-rooni alright.
TOMMY: We're so bad even the coach quit. Our last practice is tomorrow and we're coachless.
BETH: Dave, why don't you help out?
TOMMY AND DAVE: (IN UNISON) No!
BETH: Look kiddo, time for bed.
TOMMY AND DAVE: (IN UNISON) No!
BETH: Yes. Your father and I need to talk.
TOMMY SLINKS OUT OF THE BEDROOM. DAVE PRETENDS TO FOLLOW BUT BETH GIVES HIM A THREATENING LOOK.