Smashed Hits

Christopher Cross
"Think of Laura"
First chart appearance: 12-24-83
Peak chart position: No. 9

The granddaddy of all soap opera love themes, General Hospital's "Think of Laura" has it all: Its melody was as sugary as a Hershey bar dipped in molasses, and it was sung by one of whiniest pop stars in the history of Western Civilization. Think of this and you're likely to be depressed for a long, long time.

Paul Anka
"Times of Your Life"
First chart appearance: 11-29-75
Peak chart position: No. 7

"Times of Your Life" is not as bad as "You're Having My Baby" (nothing's as bad as that), but it's close enough for discomfort. Anka has a rare talent for crap, and this advertisement for Kodak film was among his greatest achievements.

Barry DeVorzon and Perry Botkin Jr.
"Nadia's Theme (The Young and the Restless)"
First chart appearance: 10-2-76
Peak chart position: No. 8

Originally written for the film Bless the Beasts and Children, this tune became a hit on the shoulders of a popular soap opera and Nadia Comaneci, the Romanian gymnast who became a star thanks to a back flip she executed on the balance beam during the 1976 Summer Olympics. Note to judges: Let's give it a "2."

Joey Scarbury
"Theme From Greatest American Hero (Believe It or Not)"
First chart appearance: 6-13-81
Peak chart position: No. 2

You may not remember the William Katt/Robert Culp TV series in the title of this song, but you're sure to recall this theme -- it's like a nightmare from which you can't awaken. Scarbury, a session singer previously known for his work with Mike Post (who deserved him), rose to obscurity to deliver this treacle to us.

You're number one, Joey.
Given the success of "How Do You Talk to an Angel," however, Scarbury's mark may not stand much longer. Records were made to be broken -- particularly if they sound like these.