A Lunar Eclipse

Then one night I had a dream: I had won the lottery. I threw off my chains and abandoned shoddy road shows, Broadway wanna-bees, and sitcom crap. I pulled together a group of fine local actors and directors -- like Pete de Leo, Carol Cadby, John Felix, Carlos Mena, Ellen Rae Littman, Kim Cozart, Larry Belkin, Cynthia Caquelin, David Kwiat, Suzanne Riley, Sally Levin, Barbara Lowery, and John Rodaz -- gave them a million or two dollars, built them a theater, and called it the South Florida Repertory Company.

I simply refuse to wake up.

FALSETTOS music and lyrics by William Finn, book by William Finn and James Lapine, directed by James Lapine; with Adrian Zmed, Carolee Carmello, Ray Walker, Stuart Zagnit, Jeffrey Landman, Yvette Lawrence, and Barbara Marineau. At the Parker Playhouse, 707 NE 8th St., Fort Lauderdale through December 20. Performances Tuesday -- Saturday at 8:00 p.m.; matinees Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday at 2:00 p.m. Tickets cost $32.50-$36. Call 673-0901.

WELCOME TO THE MOON by John Patrick Shanley, directed by Adalberto J. Acevedo; with Carol Cadby, Travis Culley, Peter Paul de Leo, Aymee Garcia, Johnny Mendoza, and John Morrow. At the ACME Acting Company, 955 Alton Rd., Miami Beach, through January 3. Performances Thursday -- Saturday at 8:15 p.m., Sundays 2:00 and 7:15 p.m. Tickets cost $15; discounts available. Call 531-2393.

Another critic recently termed ACME's Welcome to the Moon as "avant-garde" theater. Here's where I must step in. HELLO. WAKE UP. THIS IS 1992, ALMOST 1993. ACME presents contemporary, sound, but usually decade-old drama. For a taste of what the phrase avant-garde means, this reviewer should have checked in with Matthew Owens -- a multi-talented Chicago performance artist -- for The All-Dead Revue. Although by the time you read this, Owens's startling, funny, and slightly grotesque material will have left its three locations at the Alliance, the Loft, and Miami-Dade Community College's Wolfson Campus, maybe if we close our eyes and click our heels together, he'll bring it back. Described in press material as "a visual artist who specializes in creating puppet cadavers," he's also a gifted monologuist. You'll get the gist of his originality by knowing that one of the puppet cadavers is the exact size and shape of a dead horse -- and Owens carries it, on his back, onto the stage. Maybe the Chicago weather drives artists indoors and makes them this industrious.

One more amazing item. Have you taken a peek at the Kravis Center's schedule for the year? The Andre Previn Trio, Victor Borge, Alan King, Maureen McGovern? Right, Miami, sure we need another performing arts center -- so we can put Jerry Van Dyke, Larry Storch, and Peter Noone there. Call it The Night Of 1001 Nothings.

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