By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
As editor of this section I felt it was not only my right, but my duty, to recommend which candidate you should vote for in the presidential election. Unlike the Miami Herald, where a former publisher once forced the editorial board to change its recommendation, this rag is a bit more, um, liberal, when it comes to office politics. The publisher here doesn't even read this section.
Many will tell you that a vote for H. Ross Perot is a wasted vote, and I'll tell you Bush is a waste (not that Clinton's any better). But voters do have a choice, and breaking from tight partisan control is not the same as throwing your vote away. The lesser evil is still evil, you know. "Ballots, not bullets," say the revolutionaries, and even if it's a bit late for a groundswell and overthrow, you can still make a statement at the polls.
George Bush invades foreign nations as often as not, and he also...well, I can't think of what else he does, but it must be something. Bill Clinton doesn't even know how to smoke pot, how can he put a chicken in every one? And Ross Perot is, of course, all ears.
The mainstream candidates do have good points, including being drug-user friendly. Bush is a major drug trafficker, and his running mate, as Brett Kimberlin would tell you, used to buy reefer and maybe even Quaaludes and flake. As mentioned, Clinton admits to trying to smoke pot, while Gore actually pulled it off. And Ross Perot, of course, is all ears.
You might also consider Andre Marrou, the Alaskan legislator running under the Libertarian banner with Dr. Nancy Lord as his second. There's Bo Gritz, the former Green Beret who wants to turn America into a Christian nation. (Actually, he thinks it already is one.) Don't forget James Warren and Estelle DeBates of the Socialist Workers Party and the Ron Daniels/Asiba Tupachache ticket of the Campaign for a New Tomorrow group. Tupachache is an actual native of this land, the only person in the campaign whose ancestors did not arrive on this continent by boat.
At least one pundit has made a solid case for solidifying the presidential race, combining the best of both names, and electing funkmeister George Clinton boss of the land. Now we're heading in the right direction. Step aside, Moe, Larry, and Curly.
Name value is important, but George Clinton is a reluctant servant, and besides, his last album sucked. We are, however, suggesting him as the running mate for our man. And our man, the next President of the United States of America, is Ice-T.
New Times didn't simply choose this name from a sideways hat. In fact, we aren't even the first major publication to support the idea. Rock & Roll Confidential, which recently changed its name to Rock & Rap Confidential, has already delineated the reasoning behind an Ice-T presidency in its August issue. "America is moving toward a police state," says RRC associate editor Lee Ballinger, by phone from his L.A. office, "and it's doing so mainly through the apparatus of attacking young black men in their communities, attacking their culture and spreading hysteria about them. He's communicating, if not on all lines, at least across many of the boundaries, and that holds the potential to stop that. Ice-T symbolizes resistance."
Ending racism and exploiting, in a new and mightily different way, the almost limitless human resources of the inner city could save this nation. The personal issues in this election all point to Ice-T: he's a hero, he'll bring about real change, he's an even greater communicator, by far, than Ronald Reagan.
RRC has listed ten more reasons you should elect Ice-T. essentially, they are as follows:
1. Ice-T tells the truth, something that can't be said of other candidates. "Except maybe about his age," RRC states. "But he's definitely old enough to run the country."
2. Ice-T is the only candidate who'll honor and guard the Constitution, particularly the First and Second amendments. RRC: "The Democrats have Tipper Gore. The Republicans have George Bush...and James Baker," whose wife co-founded the censorship organization PMRC with Mrs. Gore. Ice-T is responsible for a piece of artwork, a record album, entitled Freedom of Speech.... 'Nuff said.
3. Ice-T is the unity candidate. "He's a rapper and a rocker. That means he's comfortable speaking to both black and white Americans. Unlike either of his opponents." Listen up, you people.
4. A vote for Ice-T sends a powerful message to politicians everywhere.
5. RRC: "Ice-T is guaranteed to make the most exciting inaugural address since Lincoln."
6. Ice-T stands for peace and justice. "Unlike Bill Clinton," RRC notes, "he has never personally overseen the execution of any citizen, let alone one with brain damage. Unlike George Bush, Dan Quayle, and Al Gore, he has never instigated a purposeless war where several hundred thousand innocent people died." And unlike Perot, he's never fought his own private drug war, wrecking civil liberties and committing international violations in the process.
7. Darlene, T's wife, who you've seen near-nude on the cover of his album Power, is twice as smart and ten times as appealing as the other potential First Ladies combined.