How Do You Selll Relief?

Charity begins at Homestead

Where was the national coverage for Falling Corpses when they agreed to play sets at both the Square and the Talkhouse because Quit had to cancel? Quit's Devonaire warehouse was blown away by Andrew, members of the band clutching plastic-wrapped and irreplaceable master tapes to their chests as the winds roared. Quit couldn't play, but they showed up nonetheless. And Falling Corpses revealed that they're among the most-improved bands on the local scene.

Plenty of the acts took advantage of the opportunity to impress, even if no TV crews or major media figures were there to provide the attendant hype, even if the turnout was disappointingly small. From Drive Choir's unique and effective staging (stand-up drums, acoustic guitar, bass) to Dan Whitley's pyro-guitar exhibition to Dore Soul's impossible rendering of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" (with a touch of Motown thrown in), it was a convincingly professional evening, surely more so than what passed for same at Joe Robbie. And I was only able to catch the Talkhouse bands. God -- and Gloria, if they're not one and the same -- only knows what went down at the Square.

The highlight was a set by Boise and Moss, who stole the show, and were arrested shortly after for doing so. Hal "Boise" Spector is the star of the trio (drummer Spot the dog is the third member) and he wouldn't let anyone forget it for a minute. He also complained, bringing a sense of the Joe Robbie mess to this little brother of a benefit. "Paul Simon didn't have mike cords all over the stage," he proclaimed. "He had Gloria all over, though." Pete "Moss" Moss thought Boise meant Gloria Vanderbilt, but when he mentioned that, Boise told him to shut up. "I'm the star of this show." It was gut-wrenching stuff, twice as funny as Robbie comedian Paul Rodriguez, who was quoted as saying, "Here in Miami we need your help and your dollars." Hah-hah-hah-hah! Stop, Paul, you're killing me.

At the Joe Robbie concert, things had gone to hell by 2:00 a.m., when the last few acts played to an emptying house. At 2:00 a.m. the next morning, F.O.C. raged at Washington Square. If Andy Garcia isn't worthy to be on the same stage as Ruben Blades and Cachao, no one on the bill at Robbie could possibly stand in the same room as F.O.C. This band would provoke critics to spew a long list of comparative adjectivization: Public Enemy meets Talking Heads meets the Memphis Horns meets the Temptations meets Fishbone meets you-name-it. However, there were no critics on hand to do that.

And where was Brickell-area homeowner Madonna through all this? Not at the Talkhouse or Square. Or Joe Robbie Stadium. Rumor has it she and Emilio Estefan had been involved in a nasty pissfight and her presence was not welcome.

Up next: Gloria and Madonna mudwrestle for charity.

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