Don't Press Release Your Luck

Music industry flacks bombard dizzy critics. Now it's your turn.

YOU'D CHANGE YOUR NAME, TOO
"A Fish, a Fish, my kingdom for a Fish. Polydor recording artist Fish, not to be confused with Elektra recording artist Phish, has run into an identity crisis. Fish was born Derek William Dick...." (Polydor release)

SANTERIA COMES TO PAYOLA
"Jackyl sent live chickens to Geffen staffers to announce their arrival in Los Angeles to record their album." (Geffen cover letter)

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY
"How do you follow up what is considered the sickest record ever? `This time out we really concentrated on the songs,' says [Chris] Barnes." (Metal Blade Records release for Cannibal Corpse)

YES...
"Sick of hearing about Seattle music? Wish someone would just chop the whole state of Washington off the map and let it sail into the Pacific?" (Roadrunner release for Willard)

...AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR MANCHESTER
"No.... The Manchester scene is not over, and surely you haven't written your last piece about that paisley-clad-drug-induced-shuffle-fest. Why?" (Geffen Records release for Northside)

ANARCHY IN THE P.R.
"Never Mind the Bullocks, Here's the Press Release. Okay, so maybe the punters and poseurs prevailed. Maybe what started out as the last great assault on a bankrupt and brain-dead culture turned into just another bunch of skinny tie, briefcase-toting careerists making fashionably angst-ridden music for a mass audience too narcotized to care if they were being co-opted. Maybe it's the fate of all actual anarchists, pinheads and certifiable social deviants to crash and burn before they can pull down the pillars of a smug, complaisant and hypocritical status quo, committed only to cheap holidays in other people's misery. Maybe we're all doomed to be led like fattened cattle to the Babylonian altar of the commodity aesthetic." (Warner Bros. release noting the Sex Pistols album finally went platinum)

WELL, WE'RE AFRAID THERE JUST MIGHT BE
"Writing a biography of a band is not an easy task. Where do you begin? Where do you end? And what about all of that stuff in the middle? Will there be a sequel?" (The Tribal Dogs' self-written bio)

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