If Ya Snooza, Ya 'Looza

An indispensable guide for those attending the biggest rock and roll event since 1991!

You can also catch blue crabs from the sea wall of Bicentennial and boil 'em up right there. (You can also catch crabs from several members of the bands.)

"Smart drinks" will be available, and if you don't know what "smart drinks" are, you should probably have more than one. Among the choices: Quantum Punch (for mental alertness), Oxygen Cocktail (less filling), and Blast! (an amino acid cocktail). Yum.

Other Stuff You Need
A working knowledge of George Clinton, in case you meet one of the Chili Peppers washing his sock in the saltwater, just like the homeless citizens of Bicentennial sometimes do. As Dick Vitale might say, "Freaky styley, bay-beeee!"

Soft shoulder pads for swaying your head along to "Under the Bridge," the live version of which lasts approximately 48 minutes.

Ear plugs for Ministry's set. And a lobotomy.
A nigga to translate what Ice Cube's saying. It's just another day, homes.
Hard 'N' Heavy Vol. 17 video so you know going in what jerks comprise the band Soundgarden.

A place to park your car: Good luck.

The Hype
During his set at the Wantagh, New York, show on August 9, Ice Cube told the crowd that "rappers don't kill people, cops do."

At the Denver show, Ice Cube spent most of his set inciting the audience to shout "Hell motherfuckin' yeah" repeatedly. Start practicing early.

Red Hot Chili Peckers bassist Flea's real name is Michael Balzary. This could be very helpful to the New York Times, which would no longer have to refer to him -- per style requirements -- as Mr. Flea.

Soundgarden's Kim Thayil told USA Today, "Lollapalooza gives semi-affluent, leisure-class white youths who don't vote an opportunity to relinquish themselves of guilt. They get style points for that, right?" He's talking about you, pal.

The other night I had a dream in which Bill Clinton was swimming in the Los Angeles River to the tune of the Red Hot Chili Papers' "Under the Bridge." No, I don't know what it means. And then again, maybe it was George Clinton.

Here is one of the contract requirements: Four junk television sets, two large junk appliances (promoter's choice of washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, et cetera), twenty live crickets, ten jumbo mealworms, ten healthy nightcrawlers, one pound of maggots, one regular-size clear glass lightbulb.

"I want people to leave saying they had a great time," says erstwhile Jane's Addiction "singer" and Lolla mastermind Perry Farrell. "That would make me happy." And, really, isn't making Perry happy what it's all about?

The Jim Rose Circus Sideshow consists of Jim Rose lying face down in broken glass while volunteers stand on his head. He also swallows razor blades (an old Houdini trick). His associate, Mr. Lifto, who reportedly steals the sideshow, lifts heavy objects using his nipples and tongue. (Note that this is Mr. Lifto, Jr., son of Mr. Lifto, Sr.) They're joined by Slug the Sword Swallower (keyboards and slug swallowing), the Torture King (human pin cushion, eats light bulbs), and Matt the Tube (a pharmacist who blows up hot-water bags till they explode).

There will be a body-piercing kiosk. Noses and ears only. Hell, you can get that done at the mall. There goes the big surprise for mom and dad.

The midway also features a giant musical "instrument" that can be played by as many as 30 people at one time. The result undoubtedly sounds much like a Ministry-Soundgarden jam session.

Lollapalooza '92 will go down in history as a landmark event, the turning point of an entire generation. It truly is the Woodstock of the Seventies.

LOLLAPALOOZA begins at 2:00 p.m. (gates open at 11:00 a.m.) Saturday at Bicentennial Park, 1075 Biscayne Blvd, 575-5256. Tickets cost $26.50.

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