By Kat Bein
By Shea Serrano
By S. Pajot
By Terrence McCoy
By Falyn Freyman
By Shea Serrano
By Jacob Katel
By Michael E. Miller
LESSON 4: GIRLFRIENDS
While we're on the subject of women, an important part of any good rocker's ensemble is The Girlfriend. Motley man Tommy Lee married the ultimate rock Girlfriend, Heather Locklear. Axl Rose got himself a model. Ever since rock and roll was mere ooze between prehistoric toes, even the ugliest metal mofo has adorned himself with a beautiful female ornament.
The type of girl to wear on your arm must have the following: long blond hair (straight works best, but a mall-bought shag perm is acceptable); a small, upturned nose; frosted pink lips; a chest measurement that far exceeds that of her waist, hips, and IQ combined; legs that start at her neck. This girlfriend is known as your Basic Barbie Doll. You will call her My Old Lady, My Woman, My Female, The Ol' Ball 'n' Chain, or the ever popular My Bitch.
Her ensemble is as important as yours, but The Girlfriend has one basic uniform no matter what her boyfriend's image. She should wear a small, uplifting bustier, a miniskirt, and thigh-high boots or high heels. If this is too complex, refer your woman to any ZZ Top video.
At gigs, position your girlfriend at the front of the stage to give the impression of hysteria. As you become more popular and acquire real fans, place your significant other at the side of the stage, where she will be conspicuous to both males (who will start bands of their own to get girls like her) and females (who will vie for the chance to rip her face off to get near you).
LESSON 5: LIFESTYLE
You are only as rock and roll as your lifestyle, so it's important for you to live by the rules. First, move yourself and your band into a small studio apartment. There's nothing like four or five men living together to promote brotherhood, and it creates a "starving artist" feel. Live on a diet of fast food and alcohol. (Here's a recipe from Sebastian Bach for a Rock and Roll Breakfast: Purchase one bag of Doritos and one loaf of Wonder Bread. Combine ingredients to form a sandwich. Wash down with a Budweiser. Repeat for lunch and dinner.) Do not rise before noon. Do not wear anything that can't double as stage gear. Try not to have a day job, but if you must, use the wages only for things like rehearsal space and hairspray. Food, entertainment, and support should be supplied by The Girlfriends.
Well, that's it. See how easy it is? Any band that follows our instructions carefully should find themselves in imminent danger of being signed by a Major Record Company. Then just sit back, relax, and watch those royalty checks roll in! (After, of course, your manager, A&R man, producer, lawyer, independant publicist, accountant, and hair stylist extract their percentages.)
If the "Dude! Make Me a Rock Star!" home course does not make you the biggest maha on MTV, simply return it for a full refund. We'll throw in a set of Amazing Ginsu knives at no extra charge.